Plebs RPG Campaign

We just started a short RPG campaign based in the world of Plebs, the somewhat raunchy British comedy series set in a very rough approximation of life for average citizens in ancient Rome.  Most of the characters in the series are office workers and one of the show's conceits is that rather than office machinery, human beings have to do most of that work (sort of like the way the Flintstones used dinosaurs for machines).  We used a very simple set of rules from one of the Grant Howitt One Shot RPGs.

It is the morning of another dreary day in the offices of Marcius et Iosephus, a grain shipment company that is a subsidiary of a large Empire-spanning syndicate.  Our heroes are in their cramp cubicle, just beginning another day of drudgery. They are:

Cursoria, the head inter-office messenger (the equivalent of the email system).  Her job is to jot down messengers from company staff and rush around delivering them.

Stapulus, the stapler. He operates a tiny desk forge creating little u-shaped tacks that they then uses to connect various numbers of parchments and papyri.

Stapulus' arch-nemesis, Jahls, the staple-remover.  He takes excessive pleasure in undoing Stapulus' work.

Varinius, the slave who serves as Ianitor.  He had been a promising gladiator in training when a practice injury wrecked his career and his hopes.  He wields his broom with great skill.

Pignus, the security and fire suppression system.  He has a water-sieve and a gong and isnt' afraid to use either of them.

Simodo, who is not an employee of M et I, but wants more than anything to break into chariot-racing  However, to pay the bills, he's taken a job as a driver for the local Ianua-Curre food delivery service, which is for the exteme staleness of the morning pastries and the stingy size of the dormice.

Suddenly, Flavia, the office directrix, summons them all to her office. (Simodo tags along hoping for a tip, or at least to get his bill paid).

She says that one of the company's recent grain ships from Egypt has been held up in customs.  Unfortunately, it was also carrying some personal cargo for her, items from her late uncle's estates in the East which are of great sentimental value.  She's concerned that, with all the red-tape, release of the property may take an inordinate amount of time and the chances of the precious memories of her uncle will get lost.  Although it might be technically illegal, since the heroes are the most expen-...er..reliable employees in the office, she's sure they'll be able to rescue her property and deliver it to her house by tomorrow morning.  It's contained in two large crates marked with an ankh.  She dismisses them with a promise of a a bonus if they do a good job and firing if they fail.  She also warned them in a very threatening tone not to open the crates.

They set off for the port of Rome, which takes them several hours to reach.  They've convinced Simodo to bring his delivery van to help haul the two crates that Flavia mentioned in parting were about 200 pounds each.

They arrive at the port and discover that at least half a dozen grain ships have come up the Tiber.  They then realized that Flavia had neglected to give them the name of the ship.

They noticed a large official building just off the docks with lots of important and serious looking people of a nautical bent coming in and out.  They thought it might be the harbor masters headquarters.

It was!  Unfortunately, the harbor master was busy eating his lunch and reading philosophy.  An officious clerk tried to dismiss them. They did manage to get out of the man that one of the grain ships was being held under restriction by order of the Aedile.  No one could board or leave the ship under pain of death.  At last they wheedled the name of the ship from him, the Tefnut, which was at anchor in the river nearby.

Searching for a boat to ferry them over to it, Jahls and Varinius approached a small fishing boat and order the fisherman to take them to the Tefnut.  The man refused and as our heroes grew more demanding, he tried to run and get help. They tripped him, the man struck his head on the stone jetty and was rendered unconscious. 

Rolling the prostrating fisherman into the gutter, Varinius used his powerful sweeping skills to cover the man with street detritus. No one seemed to notice the struggle or its after math.

In the meantime, Stapulus noticed a customs officials inspecting cargo and marking it with a custom stamp in the form of a branding iron.

The rest of the party rowed over to the Tefnut, unseen by the snoozing crew.

Jahles scrambled silently up some ropes and boarded the ship.  He began signaling to Varinius.  The latter, unable to comprehend the confusing signals, finally shouted, "What?" and woke the guard.

Jahls leaped into the cabin window.  The now alert guard called menacingly to the party.  Varinius recognized a familiar voice.  "Geraldius?" he asked.  It proved to be an old friend from gladiator training who had also failed out.  Varinius was able to assuage his concerns .

The ship's captain now came forward, having heard the conversation.  The party said they were  pastry vendors selling to the various ships about.  But the captain would not let them board nor let Geraldius leave the ship.  The party offered to toss them some pastries to which the captain agreed.  They chose the hardest, stalest parties they had and flung them at the two sailors, knocking them both unconscious.

The party scrambled aboard the Tefnut and only too late realized they had forgot to tie their boat to the ship, they watched as it swept down the river out of sight.

They moved quietly onto the main deck which was piled high with the non-grain cargo.  They saw three large crates among all the rest of the cargo.  There was one remaining guard, asleep near the bow.  Jahls donned Geraldus helmet and kilt and took up his spear.  He then quietly approached the sleeping guard.

Pignus decided he could attack the sleeping guard more quickly.  Leaping over several piles of cargo, he brought his metal gong down onto the head of the awakening guard.  With a clang that reverberated across the waters, he knocked the guard unconscious.  Across the entire river heads turned at the loud noise.  

Jahls beamed a smile at them and waived in friendly manner.  Stapulus took this opportunity to snatch the custom's brand and slipped into the crowd.  The crowds soon lost interest and turned away.  Jahls, disregarding Flavia's prohibition, began opening one of the crates and told the rest of the party to open the rest. Two were filled with silk, the nearly legendary cloth that grew on trees in far Serica.  It was literally worth it's weight in gold due in part to the extremely high inport tax on it.  Flavia must have been trying to smuggle it in.  The two crates, each of 200 pound, were worth millions!

The third crate however, contained an Egyptian casket covered with gold.  Another fortune!

However, the casket's inhabitant did not appreciated being disturbed.  Cursoria raced away in terror from the horrific undead creature but the creatures claws raked her back viciously.  It then turned on Pignus and struck him a near deadly blow.  Seeing this, Varinius said, "I've seen worse clearing a clogged toilet."  

Simodo sparked a nearby oil pot into a flame and flung it at the mummy.  It only partially struck the creature but that was enough to catch it's arm on fire.  The majority of the flaming oil fell onto the deck which soon was blazing.  Varinius began sweeping the flaming oil and the mummy toward the end of the deck.  Pignus, using his gong as a shield, rushed at the mummy and forced it overboard.  It disappeared into the green waters sizzling loudly. 

Stapulus, having observed all that had happened, convincingly cried out that there was a ship on fire and they need to rescue the crew and the cargo. The fisherman, who had finally awoken and extracted himself from the gutter, joined the cry, saying that pirates and attacked him and stole his boat.

The crowd rushed to a nearby vessel which quickly steered out to the Tefnut.  A Navy patrol boat also joined the rescue.  Rejoining the rest of the party, Stapulus was told of the hidden silk.  In the confusion, he quickly marked the two crates with the customs brand indicating they had been cleared.  They were hastily taken off by the marines who added them to growing mountain of rescued cargo on the pier.

The Navy ship's trierarch, Decimus sought out the party.  They said that they had seen the crew being attacked by something and rushed to help.  It turned out to be a monster that they killed.  Decimus noted grimly, "The Aedile had suspicions about the cargo on this ship.  It' proved all to correct.  However, the Empire owes a debt to you heroes!"  

Without being able to retrieve the silk crates, they were hustled aboard the Navy galley and taken to their nearby yard.  Treated like honored guests, their wounds were tended and they were all feed and wined.  They tried to convince Decimus to release them, but he refused saying that the Aedile, who would be here in the morning, wanted to interview them. Since it would be hours before the Aedile arrived, they asked to be allowed to retrieve their goods from the pier which was not that far away.  He reluctantly agreed and said he would arrange for a wagon that would take them there

Not desiring in any way to be questioned by the Aedile, they hit on a plan that Varinius would disguise himself as a mummy and when their wagon arrived at the pier, he would leap out and frighten the guard.  In the confusion, they would grab the silk crates and flee, not just the port but Rome, perhaps even the Empire - they'd have plenty of wealth to get wherever they wanted.

Using torn dinner napkins, they soon had Varinius looking very convincingly like a mummy.  Decimus called that their wagon was here.  Scrambling to hide Varinius disguise, Jahls quickly threw the leather cloak he had taken from the Tefnut's captain over the ianitor.

As they exited, Decimus noticed the bandages covering Varinius body.  As Jahls hastily tried to explain that he had been badly burned in the fire, Varinius flung off his cloak and began shouting, "OOOO, I am a mummy!  OOOO!" Decimus looked on in shock for a moment before ordering his men to fling their spears at this monster....

 Meanwhile, not far from where all the trouble had occurring, a bandaged hand emerged from the river and grasped at the stones lining the river channel.  In a moment, the singed but still fearsome form of the mummy was astride the pier and then lumbered away down the alleys toward the city of Rome itself....