Monday, April 30, 2012

Roxy Smothers and the Lost Treasure of the Kirgans: Epilogue




Interview with Roxy Smothers, 1973:

Somehow Schwarz and Ilsa had gotten away before the blast. They would cause us more trouble later.

The Germans were beaten back from Hcentzov for the moment at least and the big Demon was locked away inside his Tesla Coil and Magic Prison. But we knew it was only a matter of time before the whole weight of the Axis war machine was down upon us. The decision was made to evacuate while we still could. So we packed everything up and headed for Freedonia. It is amazing how much luggage a giant robot can carry by the way. I never understood why they didn’t catch on as bellmen.

Of course, Ruprikt was the last to leave Ruritanian soil. He probably would have never left if I hadn’t had all those shiny nickels to toss in front of him, leading him to safety.

So, three days later a huge convoy of trucks, wagons, cars and anything else that could move bore the surviving units of the Army, the Government, the Royal Court, and a host of refugees across the border into Freedonia.

Now Firefly, the sleazy little rat, was under huge pressure from the Germans to intern all of us. But when a sizeable fraction of the Ruritanian gold reserve was deposited into his personal bank account, he changed his mind. Having a death ray pointed at his house was also very persuasive.

At the time, the Germans didn’t push the matter, they were still fighting in Poland and Roosevelt apparently made some vague warnings about protecting all the ex-pat American citizens living in Freedonia.

So technically, we were all interned but the camp near Port Teasdale was probably the first one with a revolving door.

The Royal Navy was finally shamed into coming to pick us up. Unfortunately, crammed into a troop ship filled with the 3rd Leutonian Bicycle Regiment was hardly anyone’s idea of relaxing sea cruise. But after what we had been through, it was better than a trip on the Queen Mary.

A couple of days later, we were in France. The Ruritanians, soon to be followed by the Poles and then a flood of others, became the first of those sad nations-in-exile that festooned Paris and then London during those years.

And that, darling, is how I was in at the start of the Second World War.

What? Oh, of course, I ran into all them again, several times during the war and after. All that is, except Tesla. He went to work for the US Government and vanished during some experiment in Philadelphia.

Hozzenka stayed in Ruritania. She ended up hung by the Russians or hanging people for them. I was never sure which.

None of the rest could return to Ruritania, since the Russians ending up “liberating” it.



Broni headed the government in exile throughout the war. Safely behind a desk in London. Afterwards, he dabbled in big business, and starlets. Of course, all that high living put him off his aim when Milna finally caught up with him for their duel. It was in ’57 I believe, when Puppyface finally cornered him. Of course Broni survive but he never quite danced the same again, if you know what I mean. After all those years, it was nice to know someone who would keep a promise to me.

Good Old Ruprikt was the great old hero up to the end. Dying the way he wanted to during the Battle of the Bulge, surrounded with the Ruritanina Armored Brigade in that village in Belgium, the Germans asking him to surrender, and his response was that immortal defiant cry of “Soup!”

I regret that things never worked out for Puppyface and I, I’m sure it would have been fun. Of course, he became another big hero of the war, leading the Ruritanian Patroop and Rocket Regiment. Now a days, he is proud but certainly no longer poor. And still dreamily handsome. Mores the pity.

Chicolini, as far as I know, ended up selling ice cream on the board walk in Atlantic City – which really is not a bad end for a Freedonian Government official, most ended up dead or in jail.

The Shmengies returned to Chicago, had their own network television show in the 50s.They ran out of steam in the 60s, Acid Polka never caught on. But they have had something of a come back recently with this new Disco sound of theirs. Oddly, they never appear in public during a full moon.

Tura became something of a leading man during the war and great at selling War Bonds. Afterwards, he could never go back to Poland of course. Then he started going bald. I was never sure what he regretted losing more, his country or his hair. After going bald, he could only get work in B movies and dubbing over the screams in horror films. His latest work has been on the commercials as Mr. Clean.

Waggsie and I had some interesting moments during the war and after. He ended up as head of some department of the British government concerned with the darker side of Intelligence; I guess that moment he spent in hell taught him a thing or two. Or maybe he knew all about it before that. I think we were married for a few months sometime during the war. Well it IS hard to keep track of that sort of thing.

Then dear old Eric. We had our fights and arguments like any director and his most talented, beautiful actress. I was so sad when he died two years ago, screaming at the salesman over the cost of his new beret.

We all know about Hummingbird. Such an epic life. Such Huge Appetites. Such an Insufferable Bore. His death did come as a shock. Now I’ve heard all the theories and whether it was suicide, or accident, or even, as I recently read, suspected murder. I still maintain that he didn’t deserve to end up as marlin droppings.

What about Zoya? Well, everyone hears about her. Yes, I still occasionally see her or read about her or hear about how wonderful Zoya is. Heroic, talented, philanthropical, a model for women everywhere, the great heir to the Royal Throne of Ruritania, if it ever comes back, the Grand Duchess Zoya Radzivillovna Bupkis-Milna. Of course the worst thing is that she ended up with Puppyface. Any that they are ridiculously happy. With all those children. And it’s the first marriage for both of them!

Oh, the Demon in forest? No it didn’t stay there. But that is another story….




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